I highly suspect that the Bat Signal went out to all of you lonely men the second I was single. Or maybe it was a dog whistle that only you can hear. Since then no matter where I am or what I am doing, there you are, sizing me up. I feel bad for you because I think you’re confused and mistaking me for someone else. So I made this Masha fact sheet for you so you don’t waste any more of your time.
1. I once showed up to my job at InStyle magazine wearing one black and one brown boot. This happened because I tried to get dressed before my daily bucket of coffee. Rather than being discreet about it, I pointed it out to the Managing Editor and my boss.
2. I have been on time exactly 5 times in my life. Once I was a half an hour early, but that doesn’t count because I got my times mixed up and thought my appointment was at 1PM and not 2PM. Technically, by my own clock I was still half an hour late. The other 5,486,596 times I have been 15 minutes to 2 hours late.
3. I will steal your socks. When you buy new socks, I will be irritated and ask you why you need so many socks. The irony will be lost on me.
4. I will fight you to the death for all of the blanket. Post battle, I will wake up rested and you will need medical assistance for the hypothermia.
5. I hate umbrellas and hair dryers in equal measure. But I also hate being cold. If you suggest that I’d be less cold if I used an umbrella or at least dried my hair after being caught in the rain, I will give you the death stare.
6. I love watching movies but don’t like going to movie theaters.
7. I have yet to meet a food or beverage that didn’t end up on my shirt. If you date me you will spend exactly ⅓ of your life picking crumbs off of me and pointing out stains on my clothes.
8. I repel all buttons. Because I like to think of this as a superpower, I will never sew the buttons back on and instead will tell all of your friends about my magic ability at dinner parties.
9. I cry at the drop of a hat. When you ask me why I’m crying, the answers will range from “because everyone I love is going to die” to “because the world is just so beautiful” or “this dessert is so good.”
10. If you don’t put a fork and knife in front of me, I’ll probably just use my hands.
11. I love being alone in the mornings but will need you with me between the hours of 6-10 PM. There is something about that stretch of evening that I just don’t like unless someone I love is with me.
12. I am a cat lady. Always have been, always will be, have the tattoo on my back to prove it.
13. I talk more than the rest of the world combined. 80% of that talking is not something you can just nod your way through. I will ask questions, like “If the universe is all there is, but it’s constantly expanding, what is it expanding into?” I will force you to think about things you don’t have time to think about and don’t particularly want to.
14. The three most used words in my vocabulary are love, magic, and fuck.
15. If you don’t like foul language, than you and I are going to have a fucking problem.
16. I sometimes break out into early 90s rap. I’m not very good at it, but you telling me so won’t make it stop.
17. I like to write about myself a lot.
18. I believe that the harder I squeeze a person, the more they’ll understand how much I love them. This can lead to mild strangulation and fractured ribs.
19. I have one tooth that sticks out. I won’t get it fixed, partly because I’m lazy, partly because it makes me feel like me.
20. Walking down the streets, I sometimes look down and see a bulge around my calf, under my jeans and ask myself, “Yesterday’s socks or underwear?”