I have nothing to say, but I feel I must say something just to distract myself from this, even for a second. I have learned many things the last few days. Like that grief and denial come in waves. And one usually replaces the other. I’m in the grief wave right now. And that staring at a photograph of boats that has been hanging on your wall for months, can relieve grief for a whole five minutes. And that taking a nap is dangerous because for a few seconds after you wake up, you forget what happened to you. What is, unfortunately, still happening to you.
I also learned that my yoga instructor is a loving sadist. Because after receiving an email from me where I told her about my grief and my inability to eat, she worked me to the bone. And sang “My bonnie is over the ocean. My bonny is over the sea. My bonny is over the ocean, bring back my bonny to me. Bring back, bring back, bring back my bonny to me.” Four times. Everyone else in class laughed, because they thought she was nuts. I cried because it was meant for me. But I held my stupid Warriors so hard I am still hurting two days later. I guess that was the point. To show me that I can grieve and do the things at the same time. If only learning it once was enough.
I learned that you can not eat and still have things to throw up. And that saying “You are safe” over and over again to yourself can help you breathe. And that breathing is important if you have decided to live. If. I learned to take more time making decisions to make sure to pick the one that will feel less terrible than the others. I learned that you can love someone more than anything and fear them more than anything at the same time.